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Post by elysium on Jun 23, 2004 17:53:45 GMT -5
Alright, so I’ve scrapped the old column. It seemed like a good idea when I started it at 3 in the morning, but the truth of the matter is, I read too many books and see not enough movies to really review. So, in keeping with the title, I’ve decided just to write about whatever comes to mind. I keep a diary on my PC, and I’m basically just picking out specific things from them and expanding. Don’t worry, you won’t have to read through all the, “Argh! My brother is such a jerk!” and “OMG, he was totally hot!” bits. There may be a bit of a time-confusion, as I write these on my own PC and transfer them over to the other PC that has internet access whenever I next get on, but I tried to clear it up a bit. The first piece was actually written at about 2 am, right after the events of it happened, but I wrote it as of today because I couldn’t transfer it, if you get what I mean. Anyways, I hope you can actually get something out of all my ramblings. Here you go:
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Post by elysium on Jun 23, 2004 17:55:28 GMT -5
June 23, 2004Yesterday for me started out as one of those days you just don’t want to get out of bed for. My aunt and uncle, from opposite sides of the family, have been terminally ill for a few years now, and we have just found out that both have taken a decidedly worse turn and probably will not live much longer. My mum also confided in me that one of her best friends, coincidentally the one I like the most, is not paraplegic as I had supposed, but has multiple sclerosis and will probably also not live much longer. Now, I have only ever known two people to die in my entire life, and neither of them were very close to me. The idea of losing three people who are was (and still is) tearing me apart. The day before last I spent keeping my mind off of things; playing solitaire for hours at a time, taking long naps, chatting on MSN for five consecutive hours. I didn’t even get out of bed yesterday until three in the afternoon, rising to find that I had slept away half of a day I should have spent working in the fields. I couldn’t eat, and it was raining too hard to work anyway, so I came here as I always do when bored (and even otherwise). Consolation, although I wasn’t seeking it, was definitely not to be found. I found angry people, upset at me for trivial things with no justification, and only kept myself here long enough to set straight some of the misapprehensions made by certain people. There are thousands more, about me, but I decided I didn’t care and let them be. My reaction was the same as always when confronted with people who are upset with me for no reason; my heart broke, I felt I had failed them, and I shed a few guilty tears. But then, the strong, sensible, defense-mechanism Amanda quickly took over, telling me to quit crying about things that mean so little. I had to harden my heart and be harsh with my accusers, which I’m sure only fueled their anger even more. But that is what I do; I do not allow myself to be trodden down so easily, and when confronted with anger, I tell myself I must become angry as well to survive. It’s an instinct, a defense mechanism, that gets me through everything. I hope that in most things I am much gentler, more understanding, but I’m stubborn; if faced with what feels like a threat, I do not allow myself to crumble or give in. I will be the last one standing, always, or go down in flames trying. I may seem cruel, I may seem unfair, but this is the only way I survive. Understand that. However, I do not like that side of myself. It is necessary if ever I want to succeed in anything, and in this case do my duty, but I can also find myself becoming that sort of defensive over very trivial things. I do not allow myself to feel guilty for this, but it is rather depressing once I revert back to my regular state of mind. As soon as I was myself again the pain of the day began seeping back into my mind, and I needed to rid myself of it. Suppression is useful for a while; I busied myself working in the fields after the rain stopped, and drowned out my feelings later by staring absorbedly at a television screen, something I usually despise. It began to get late, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to suppress my emotions all night; I was getting worried about laying there in the dark, with nothing else to think of. I was saved from this, providentially enough, by Riley. I have seen Riley every summer when visiting my grandmother here as far back as I can remember, and when we moved in about a mile and a half away from him four years ago, we quickly became good friends. Riley is unusual in the way that he always knows exactly when I can’t sleep; maybe it has something to do with my bedroom light shining across the corn fields between us and waking him, or maybe he’s just extremely perceptive. Either way, the tradition is that he always comes straight away to the back veranda, where he knows I’ll be brooding about something or other. First, though, he stops by my grandmother’s and filches a few of her deliciously thick blankets from the back porch shanty. I love those blankets. She makes them herself, with her old, tired hands, and leaves them rather conspicuously in the back porch for easy access on nice summer nights. He always brings them, thinking my grandmother doesn’t notice, but I’m sure she must. She doesn’t worry, though, as she knows Riley and I are so close we’d never even consider anything like that. She’s very intuitive that way. My father, however, is NOT, so Riley and I wandered down to where the fields almost start, and lay the blankets there, well out of sight and leaving one for each of us (I told you we weren’t like that!). We’ve always loved to star-gaze, and it’s so much easier to talk about your problems when it’s too dark to see the other person’s face. It was a cool, clear night. We lay on the grass, wrapped in blankets, the sky a canopy of lights above us. The pungent smell of the earth, intertwined with the faint fragrance of dying lilacs filled the air, and the only sound to be heard, apart from our hushed whispers, was the rustling of the wind in the wheat field. I love that sound; it’s almost identical to the sound of a soft summer rain on the grass. The air was incredibly fresh and dewy, cool against my face. The poetic beauty of those two hours is not lost on me, and my spirit feels rejuvenated and refreshed. I had time to recover from the stress and sorrow of the day, just laying and talking to Riley. I told him about everything, and he just listened. That’s the great thing about him, he just listens. He never talks much anyway, and to be honest he’s not very much on the bright side, but he is a good, truthful person who makes me laugh. I always wished he was my brother, so we could have those nights without our parents’ suspicions. But it was still nice, to be there on that beautiful night, having innocent conversation with an old friend and easing myself of such deep hurt. So many people in this time are suffering for their sorrow, and it’s such a pity that they have no honest, simple friend like Riley, or a clear sky to lay beneath. Instead they drown themselves in doctor’s bills and medications, or alcohol that only numbs the pain for a while before bringing it back more sharply than ever. There are millions of different ways that people deal with hurt, some good and many bad. I realized that I have been blessed with the ability to let love take away my pain, instead of any of the other things. Hope and faith are such frail things, but they really are hard to kill. I also realized that I will never have another night like last night, there will never be another Riley, and I will never be able to bake cookies with my aunt again, or hug my mum’s friend who is now too frail for it. My family has a hard road in front of them, especially my cousin who is 16 years old and losing her mother. I will do whatever I can to help them through their pain. I will also continue to use stubbornness as a defense mechanism, because I must, but I will no longer use anger. It’s not worth it. Hold onto everything good that you have; don’t be afraid to love, or to live, and let go of whatever is hurting you. I have finally become conscious that although I get angry at people, and say hurtful things, those words may be the last I ever say to them. I say right now, I am sorry if I ever said anything to hurt you, whether you needed to hear it or not. Don’t look back at those words, look forward to all that love can be, and heal. “Every word I didn’t say, caught up in some busy day, and every dance on the kitchen floor we didn’t have before; and every sunset that we missed, I wrap them all up in this kiss post”. ~Trane (with help from Elys) 
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Post by elysium on Jun 23, 2004 17:56:51 GMT -5
^ Oh, and if you read that entire thing...here's a kiss.  |
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Post by *~Ginny~* on Jun 23, 2004 18:58:09 GMT -5
i read that entire thing elys....  |
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Post by elysium on Jun 23, 2004 22:28:23 GMT -5
And it was bad enough to make you cry?  |
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Post by *~Ginny~* on Jun 23, 2004 22:29:41 GMT -5
^it was really sad....i almost did cry, but i didnt i feel really sorry for you elys.... |
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Post by elysium on Jun 24, 2004 14:32:46 GMT -5
Well, I wasn't looking for pity, I just wanted to explain things. I hate pity...I promise the next one will be WAY more upbeat...But it was about HEALING, didn't anyone get that??
*throws away her writing pen forever*
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Post by orlandobabe726 on Jun 24, 2004 16:23:03 GMT -5
^ Oh, and if you read that entire thing...here's a kiss. Aww.... thanks Elys... Im sorry if you dont want pity, but I do feel terrible for you. *hugs* Ill try and be understanding. and less annoying. And if you want to talk, please pm me. ;D |
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Post by PuppyDawg on Jun 24, 2004 17:37:15 GMT -5
That was beautiful. It almost made me cry, which is saying something, because I do not cry often.
It made me think about last night. I spent the night at my friend who I wrote about in your advice collumn. We talked about everything and got a lot of stuff cleared up. Wow, Elys, you're amazing.
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Post by elysium on Jun 24, 2004 18:14:18 GMT -5
Oh...I love you guys so much! It's sort of weird, seeing as I've never met any of you, but you're all so great. I'm much better now, I talked to Lex about a different problem I've been having and he cheered me up a lot. I was upset about another thing as well, but Daniel really made me feel a lot better after we talked about it. We have some really nice guys here, don't we?
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Zonga
Regular Member
I am easily addicted to video games or books!
Posts: 105
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Post by Zonga on Jun 28, 2004 17:34:00 GMT -5
well... that was sad... but, I didn't cry... and yeah, I can see why you wanted closure  (sorry, but I don't cry because I've only cried once in my life after the "baby stage" of my life, and that was b/c the greatest person I've ever known died--my great grandma... it's kinda a guy thing in my family) |
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Post by elysium on Jun 29, 2004 12:03:50 GMT -5
I didn't WANT anyone to cry, lol, but I'm glad everyone liked it or at least pretended to like it to protect my feelings. But you guys know, you don't have to do that, I have the emotionally flexibility of, like, Moody, so...
Oh, and the greatest person I've ever known is my grandmother too. She's about 87...I think I feel an essay coming on...
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